Often times when I am alone, driving in the car I start thinking about what in my past I would change. Don't get me wrong. I love my life. I am married to the only man I have ever loved and I have this amazing daughter who brightens my life every moment of every day.
But what if I knew what I know now AND I could go back and change some of my decisions?
For one, if I would have known that teaching at the elementary level wasn't for me, I could have actually earned my credential in math rather than multiple subject. It wouldn't have taken me so long to get a job.
Or I could go back and save every penny I ever made instead of spending every cent (and then some) on frivolous things. Then I could buy a house right out of college and I would be sitting pretty right now. I have a friend who actually did this. She bought a house (in California) on her own, no help from a man. Now she is a stay at home mom. She doesn't have to work because of those early decisions in life.
But as I drive in the car, these thoughts scare me. Because what if I really could go back in time? What if I went back too far and changed the course of too many things and it didn't lead me close to where I am today? What if these changes strayed me away from marrying G. I would have missed out on the 12 years of love I share with him. That would mean I would never have Mae. I would never get to experience the awesomeness of my daughter. There would be so many things different in my life. Yes, maybe my life would still be good. Maybe I would still be happy. But life as I know it now would be....different.
So although going back in time may sounds amazing, I am glad that I can't! I am glad that my life is just where it is.
This is what my head is filled with in the fifteen minutes I drive to work. Normal?
Maybe in five years I will look back and instead of wishing the miscarriages never happened. Maybe I will be at a place where I can be at peace with them. Maybe I will have another child who I would never have known if they didn't happen. Maybe instead of going back in time, I want to go forward. Is there another child in my future? If I knew the answer was yes, my fears would disappear.
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About Me
- Trish
- People always ask me, "Hey, do you remember that time when...?" And nine times out of ten I can honestly say, "NO!" I have the worst memory. Always have. So I have created this blog so I never have to say "NO" when Mae asks me, " Mommy, remember when....?"
5 comments:
I think that wondering what the past would have been like "if only you had done this or that" is perfectly normal. I often do the same thing. But I also realize I am who I am today because of those things I did in the past. And I am okay with that.
I am glad you are looking forward and I hope that it holds happy things for you!
Have you ever read The Mysterious Stranger by Mark Twain? The novel speaks to these very thoughts. It is very intriguing to think of the "what ifs?"...
I do know one "what if?" from my daughter. She had a miscarriage in February '08 that rocked her foundation. She was devastated. The "what if?" I didn't lose that baby... is her 17-month old son, Benjamin, and her 12-week old son, Henry. We talk often about how that angel "made way" (as she says) for these 2 beautiful boys who would never be here. She and I truly believe that her miscarried baby is an angel who knew... who just knew... and who is smiling on my daughter and her beautiful children every day.
... I meant to write February '06!! Now that would be something to have had 2 babies since February '08! Ah...
Trish, when I read your posts, I feel like I have gone back in time and am reliving my moments of pain and devastation. Does it get easier? No. Because you want so badly to have another child yet the pain, the fear and the devasation is too fresh. Will you have another child? Yes, I think so. But, I will be honest in saying that it will be the most difficult pregnancy ever. For me, after miscarrying the first time, my subsequent pregnancy was fearful. After miscarrying that one and the next two, pregnancy for me was down right terrifying, depressing and difficult. All enjoyment was taken away because you live every moment in fear despite your best efforts to enjoy the privilege just to be growing life. For me, I made it through the nightmares and was blessed with a beautiful daughter. It can happen for you too when you feel strong enough to take the chance again.
If you ever want to meet up offline, I am here for you. sassie_lassie@hotmail.com
Sending big hugs,
Allie
That's exactly it. We don't know what road we will travel, but ways lead onto ways, and often they are the path ends in peace.
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