Last night was a rough night. Not only did Mae wake up multiple times, I woke up at 3:30am. I woke up abruptly, as if I knew there was something I needed to remember. When I realized what it was, I instantly filled with sadness all over again. My mind keeps replaying snapshots of the past few days: the picture of the ultrasound minus a heartbeat, weeping in my doctors arms, calling my husband to tell him the news, waking from the procedure with an empty belly.....It is like a movie when someone's life flashes before their eyes. But I can't turn this movie off. It is my life.
Luckily I am back to work and I am distracted from my thoughts throughout the day. My students and my work keep me occupied. It's the evenings and the middle of the night when it is most difficult to cope.
I feel like I am barely there for Mae. I am just going through the motions of parenting right now. The weekend was spent with me mostly on the couch. Nothing fun planned for her. I felt like a terrible mom. I have to move on, if not for me, but for her. She deserves my full attention.
My losses are so fresh I know I should not be healed this quickly. My hormones are still raging which doesn't help with weepiness and depression. I know with time it will get easier. I hope! Does it get better? With the last miscarriage, I knew that I would be trying again soon so I had hope on my side. This time, I am scared to start trying right away. Plus, emotionally I feel like I need to give myself time to heal. The fear of another loss is too much to handle right now.
9/8/08
9/7/08
Thank You!!!
Tonight as I checked my e-mail I had not one, but twelve amazing letters of support, understanding, and compassion from people I have never met before. An outpouring of love I so very much needed…a virtual shoulder to lean my head on and cry my heart out. With each and every one I opened, tears flowed down my face. Not because I was reminded of what I am going through, but because I finally feel that I am not alone. There are people out there not afraid to confront me and acknowledge my loss.
Thank you ALL so much for all your kind words and the time it took to write to me. It has helped more than I can describe. And thank you so much Beth from I Should Be Folding Laundry for reading my blog and then sending so many wonderful people there to read it. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I am off to cry a river, but feel much better knowing there are people out there praying for me.
Thank you ALL so much for all your kind words and the time it took to write to me. It has helped more than I can describe. And thank you so much Beth from I Should Be Folding Laundry for reading my blog and then sending so many wonderful people there to read it. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I am off to cry a river, but feel much better knowing there are people out there praying for me.
Another Pregnancy Lost
Here I am, once again. Another pregnancy lost. In just four short months.
The first one occurred in May. I knew something was wrong because I started spotting at 5 weeks. Plus I had very few symptoms of pregnancy. They did an ultrasound and found a sac but said it may be too early to see a heartbeat. But when I went in three weeks later, there was still no heartbeat. No baby.
I was shocked. My first pregnancy was perfect. It was just like all the books described. I just thought that growing babies was easy and I had no doubt that it would happen again. So I was in complete shock with the first miscarriage.
I decided to take the pills to help me abort rather than the D and C. I thought it would fit better into my work schedule. BIG MISTAKE. It was painful and messy. It was most definitely not just a bad period. I Plus, it was a harsh reminder that I was losing a baby. I tried to stay strong in front of others but I was really a mess inside. I would hold friend’s babies and cry, thinking I would never have another child of my own. Of course everyone reassured me that I would hold my baby soon. And I believed them. I really did. I thought it was just a fluke. Lots of women have miscarriages and then go on to have a healthy child.
So I thought the next time I get pregnant, everything will be fine.
So I found myself pregnant again, just two months after my last loss. I know it is fast and I probably should have waited, but I didn’t. I am very impatient and wanted the baby to come at the perfect time. Two months before the end of the school year so I could stay home with the new baby for five whole months. It was going to be perfect! I could not have been happier and could not believe my luck.
Everything seemed to be going well. At four weeks the doctors did a blood test to check my hormone levels. Normal. At six weeks they did an ultrasound and there was a beautiful, strong heartbeat. I felt that we were safe. There was a heartbeat. Everything was going to be fine.
At eight weeks, I had another ultrasound. Heartbeat was still strong and size was perfect, but there was something on the screen that concerned my doctor. There were two black spots on the baby’s head. She said that it could be nothing. The baby is so small that it was hard to diagnose anything. She suggested some genetic testing. I went home that night and was freaked out. Thoughts went through my head of some terrible genetic disorder. I stressed, I cried, but we had house guests so I tried to put it out of my head, at least for the weekend.
That weekend I spotted twice. I was nervous but I had seen the heartbeat, so I was not really concerned about another miscarriage. But after the holiday weekend was over, I started to freak out again so I called the doctor on Tuesday and voiced my concerns. She scheduled me to come in the next day to see a different doctor.
The morning of my appointment, I started to realize that all my pregnancy symptoms had vanished. I didn’t even notice with all the people around me and the good times we were having. But I no longer felt fatigued, no more morning sickness, my breasts were not sore, and the bloating feeling had vanished.
At the appointment I told the doctor all of this. She decided to do a pelvic exam first to see if my cervix had opened. It was fine. Then she did an internal ultrasound. At first the screen was pointed towards me. I knew something was wrong. I did not see any cardiac movement as I had seen before. But the doctor turned the screen towards here, assuring me that she just needed to get a better look. She searched and searched at every angle. But there was nothing. The baby had died. There was no heartbeat. She called another doctor in to confirm, and…..no heartbeat. Another baby lost.
I was so strong I held back my tears in the ultrasound room. I got dressed and went into the consultation room to discuss the next step. D and C. I stayed strong. Teary-eyed, but no tears flowing. I was so proud of myself. I was dying inside, but I remained calm. That was until I saw MY doctor in the office. She must have came on her day off. She came up to me and I just lost it. She hugged me and told me how sorry she was. She even kissed me on the cheek. She is such an amazing doctor and I thank God that I found her.
The D and C went fine. I was even OK on that day. No crying. I was strong. It wasn’t until the next day when the depression, anger, frustration, and disappointment set in. I feel alone. I feel as though I will never have another baby. I know the next few months are going to be tough. I need time to heal. I have been through it before. But I dread it. It wasn’t easy. And this time around I feel as though people don’t know what to say so they just avoid. I know there is nothing to say that will make me feel better or different, but I feel alone. And no one is calling.
The first one occurred in May. I knew something was wrong because I started spotting at 5 weeks. Plus I had very few symptoms of pregnancy. They did an ultrasound and found a sac but said it may be too early to see a heartbeat. But when I went in three weeks later, there was still no heartbeat. No baby.
I was shocked. My first pregnancy was perfect. It was just like all the books described. I just thought that growing babies was easy and I had no doubt that it would happen again. So I was in complete shock with the first miscarriage.
I decided to take the pills to help me abort rather than the D and C. I thought it would fit better into my work schedule. BIG MISTAKE. It was painful and messy. It was most definitely not just a bad period. I Plus, it was a harsh reminder that I was losing a baby. I tried to stay strong in front of others but I was really a mess inside. I would hold friend’s babies and cry, thinking I would never have another child of my own. Of course everyone reassured me that I would hold my baby soon. And I believed them. I really did. I thought it was just a fluke. Lots of women have miscarriages and then go on to have a healthy child.
So I thought the next time I get pregnant, everything will be fine.
So I found myself pregnant again, just two months after my last loss. I know it is fast and I probably should have waited, but I didn’t. I am very impatient and wanted the baby to come at the perfect time. Two months before the end of the school year so I could stay home with the new baby for five whole months. It was going to be perfect! I could not have been happier and could not believe my luck.
Everything seemed to be going well. At four weeks the doctors did a blood test to check my hormone levels. Normal. At six weeks they did an ultrasound and there was a beautiful, strong heartbeat. I felt that we were safe. There was a heartbeat. Everything was going to be fine.
At eight weeks, I had another ultrasound. Heartbeat was still strong and size was perfect, but there was something on the screen that concerned my doctor. There were two black spots on the baby’s head. She said that it could be nothing. The baby is so small that it was hard to diagnose anything. She suggested some genetic testing. I went home that night and was freaked out. Thoughts went through my head of some terrible genetic disorder. I stressed, I cried, but we had house guests so I tried to put it out of my head, at least for the weekend.
That weekend I spotted twice. I was nervous but I had seen the heartbeat, so I was not really concerned about another miscarriage. But after the holiday weekend was over, I started to freak out again so I called the doctor on Tuesday and voiced my concerns. She scheduled me to come in the next day to see a different doctor.
The morning of my appointment, I started to realize that all my pregnancy symptoms had vanished. I didn’t even notice with all the people around me and the good times we were having. But I no longer felt fatigued, no more morning sickness, my breasts were not sore, and the bloating feeling had vanished.
At the appointment I told the doctor all of this. She decided to do a pelvic exam first to see if my cervix had opened. It was fine. Then she did an internal ultrasound. At first the screen was pointed towards me. I knew something was wrong. I did not see any cardiac movement as I had seen before. But the doctor turned the screen towards here, assuring me that she just needed to get a better look. She searched and searched at every angle. But there was nothing. The baby had died. There was no heartbeat. She called another doctor in to confirm, and…..no heartbeat. Another baby lost.
I was so strong I held back my tears in the ultrasound room. I got dressed and went into the consultation room to discuss the next step. D and C. I stayed strong. Teary-eyed, but no tears flowing. I was so proud of myself. I was dying inside, but I remained calm. That was until I saw MY doctor in the office. She must have came on her day off. She came up to me and I just lost it. She hugged me and told me how sorry she was. She even kissed me on the cheek. She is such an amazing doctor and I thank God that I found her.
The D and C went fine. I was even OK on that day. No crying. I was strong. It wasn’t until the next day when the depression, anger, frustration, and disappointment set in. I feel alone. I feel as though I will never have another baby. I know the next few months are going to be tough. I need time to heal. I have been through it before. But I dread it. It wasn’t easy. And this time around I feel as though people don’t know what to say so they just avoid. I know there is nothing to say that will make me feel better or different, but I feel alone. And no one is calling.
3/19/08
Water Baby in Training
We have a pool in our backyard. When we first moved in, my mom (and I) were terrified that something terrible would happen with Mae at this pool. Ever since the incident at my father-in-laws, I have been especially freaked out about watching her ever single moment we are near any large body of water. So my parents had a safety fence installed around our pool. It has given me peace of mind ever since it was put in. But with summer coming around the corner, I know we will be out at that pool daily. At some point, the door could be left open and Mae could sneak past us into the pool area.
So as of two weeks ago, she has been enrolled in private swim lessons. She goes twice a week for the next six weeks. The first lesson was a huge disaster. She cried.....screamed the WHOLE time. She clung on to the instructor for dear life the entire 15 minutes. At that point, I thought to myself, this is going to be a long month and a half. The second lesson did not go much better. Actually, I think the screaming got worse. This time I had to go and hide behind the corner so her sad, swollen eyes wouldn’t try to search for me on the sidelines.
When it was time for the third lesson, I brought along some reinforcement. Right before I handed her to the instructor, I told her I had a treat for her if she didn’t cry. And by golly it worked! She didn’t cry the whole time. In fact, she actually was laughing and waving to me. There was not one tear shed when she was plunged under water. There was actually huge grins when she emerged. The first thing she asked for when she got out of the water is, “Can I have my treat?” The little bugger has a great memory!
It has been 3 scream free lessons now. She seems to enjoy it and I think it is just about the best thing I have done for her. She is having fun, while learning some life saving skills. Of course, this amazing child of mine will NEVER be by that pool without both my eyes being on her!
1/8/08
No Mama, No!
So yesterday started off as horrible as I thought it would. I couldn’t sleep all night, dreading my return to work and my leaving Mae. I got her up a little early so we could have some cuddle time if in front of Noggin before work. As soon as we pulled in to her preschool, she started crying and saying, “no mama, no!” This is the first time she has ever cried when going to school. Usually she is excited to get there and sit like a grownup at the breakfast table with all the other toddlers. So today was AWEFUL! I cried all the way to work.
I worried about her all day, but when I went to pick her up the teachers said she did wonderfully and didn’t cry at all. Usually, though, she puts up a fight when it is time to go home. I have to follow her around the playground while she shows off all the cool things she gets to do there. But this time she hugged all her friends, said goodbye, and was out the door in two minutes.
I struggle every day with the guilt I have about going to work and not being home with Mae. My mom was able to stay home with me and I always imagined that I would be able to do the same. But financially, we would struggle tremendously. The first six months of Mae’s life I was able to stay home. It was definitely bitter sweet. I adored being with her, but I was guilt ridden over my husband’s job being the only income. I guess no matter what, the situation will never be perfect.
1/6/08
Don't Make Me Go!
The past few days I have been filled with absolute anxiety. As soon as I woke up on Thursday, butterflies fluttered in my stomach, reminding me I have to return to work on Monday. Why was Thursday filled with such apprehension? I still had four days until I returned to teaching my continuation school students. But Thursday is only one day from Friday, and weekends don’t count! I am not sure why, but Friday seemed like the true last day of my vacation. Maybe it was because G would be home and I would no longer be able to pretend I was a SAHM. Gosh, how I truly wish I was. I envoy those of you that get to stay home.
I didn’t always feel this way. About three months ago I was as happy as a clam. I loved my job. I worked for a County school teaching Independent Study students. I met with students one-on-one and twice a week held an Algebra workshop with 25 students. It was my DREAM job. I loved going to work. Mae was attending an in-home daycare I actually loved! Everyday I worked from
It truly is the perfect job….in most ways. I just hope I get used to the changes and challenges of this new situation soon.
Tomorrow is going to be a tough day. I am sure there will be tears shed when I drop Mae off at school. And I am most certainly sure they will solely be mine. AHHHH!!!! Anyone our there have some magical solution for me so that I can stay home? Let me know!
9/3/07
No Love For Mommy
Why is it that whenever Mom needs to change a diaper, there is much screaming, squirming, running away, and flailing arms?
But when Daddy does it, Mae lays there as quiet as can be. Then when the deed is done, he gets a great big hug and a smooch.
I get no love!
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