Don't Make Me Go!

The past few days I have been filled with absolute anxiety. As soon as I woke up on Thursday, butterflies fluttered in my stomach, reminding me I have to return to work on Monday. Why was Thursday filled with such apprehension? I still had four days until I returned to teaching my continuation school students. But Thursday is only one day from Friday, and weekends don’t count! I am not sure why, but Friday seemed like the true last day of my vacation. Maybe it was because G would be home and I would no longer be able to pretend I was a SAHM. Gosh, how I truly wish I was. I envoy those of you that get to stay home.

I didn’t always feel this way. About three months ago I was as happy as a clam. I loved my job. I worked for a County school teaching Independent Study students. I met with students one-on-one and twice a week held an Algebra workshop with 25 students. It was my DREAM job. I loved going to work. Mae was attending an in-home daycare I actually loved! Everyday I worked from 7:15am to 2:00pm. I would be able to spend the whole rest of the afternoon with Mae. It was the perfect situation. But in Southern California, school’s enrollment is down and I lost my job. Luckily, I applied and was hired in another district teaching Algebra at a continuation high school.

It truly is the perfect job….in most ways. I just hope I get used to the changes and challenges of this new situation soon.

Tomorrow is going to be a tough day. I am sure there will be tears shed when I drop Mae off at school. And I am most certainly sure they will solely be mine. AHHHH!!!! Anyone our there have some magical solution for me so that I can stay home? Let me know!

No Love For Mommy

Why is it that whenever Mom needs to change a diaper, there is much screaming, squirming, running away, and flailing arms?

But when Daddy does it, Mae lays there as quiet as can be. Then when the deed is done, he gets a great big hug and a smooch.

I get no love!

Grandma

So my plan to start a healthy life has not been going well. Since Wednesday, the day I wrote about turning it all around, I have done nothing but eat.

But I am about to make a huge excuse for my BAD behavior. I tend to turn to food and vegetation when I am sad or going through a tough time in my life. It is a family trait. We eat to help mask our problems. For some awful reason, food truly makes me feel better….in the moment. Afterward I am a guilty, blubbering mess. But in the moment, man food is so GOOD!

So here is the reason I have turned to food once again. My grandma is sick. We found out about two months ago that she has lung cancer. At first we thought everything was going to be fine. She was going to take this magic pill that would help the cancer and she would get better. But it hasn’t worked out that way.

Although she is 91 she has always been as sharp as a tack. Her whole life she has exercised and been in great shape and she could definitely hold her end of a conversation. She has even been driving a car…at 91! But in the past couple of weeks her mind has been all jumbled and confused.

My parents brought her home to stay with them since we all believed she was incapable of taking care of herself anymore. Well, that just made her more confused and quite frankly, pissed off. I think she thought she was in a hostage situation. The moment she was near a phone she tried to call her house. Well, she couldn’t remember the number so my sister dialed it for her. We knew no one was home to answer the phone but we were curious to see who she was trying to get a hold of. As soon as her answering machine picked up she proceeded to say into the receiver, “Come get me. I want to go home.” When we asked her who she was talking to, she had no clue. All she knew was that she wanted to go home.

This is such a difficult thing for me to witness. I have been incredibly close to my grandma all my life. I could tell you a million stories to convince you of how wonderful she is, but my words would not do her justice. I love her with all my heart and it is a terribly time for the whole family.

So my diet may have to be put on hold for a little while and many trips to the bakery may occur. My 20 lb goal may turn to 30 in the next couple of weeks.

She's Got Talent

This afternoon Gar and Mae sat on the coffee table stacking her fake condiment bottles. At first Gar was doing the stacking and she was doing the knocking down. But then all of a sudden she started piling them up one by one and by golly she got them to stay in place...for a few seconds before they fell. What talent?

Mother of the Year?

I let her stand too close to the tv
(I hope she doesn't go cross-eyed)

She eats cupcakes even though she hardly ate any dinner!

And I am teaching her to gamble.....with her toes!



I may not be winning Mother of the Year, but she seems pretty darn happy.

Could It Be That Time Already...Terribe Twos

Over the weekend I thought for sure Mae had reached her terrible two’s three months early. She threw about 100 tantrums on Saturday. The worst part of it all was that we were at a party for my work in Fallbrook. All my coworkers and their significant others were there.

Now Mae is a pretty independent child who loves a crowd and entertainment. Well, at the party she wanted to do what she wanted, go where she wanted, and eat what she wanted. If Gar (my husband) or I messed with her program, she felt the need to scream like a banshee and throw herself on the ground. You can imagine my embarrassment when everyone was looking at my child throwing a tantrum every two seconds.

And we were literally trapped at this party. We were the first ones there and EVERYONE parked behind us. So if we wanted to leave we would have to round up about 10 car owners and have them move down the drive. So we did not get to leave until after dinner, which was not until 9pm. And by the way, who eats at 8:30 at night. I will tell you who…..people who do NOT have small children.

Back to the point of my story. I thought we hit the terrible two’s. But the past two nights Mae has been an angel, back to her old self. Giggly, cuddly, and FUN! Thank goodness. Maybe she was just having an off day. We are all entitled to that.

Plus Fallbrook was about a hundred degrees with NO shade, there were bees flying around everywhere, and Mom and Dad were messing with her program (mostly so she didn’t fall down the very steep cliff in the backyard…definitely not a kid friendly house!)

Man is it F*#%^^%ing hot out here in BFE!

It has been almost 21 months since I had Mae. And the last 20 pregnancy pounds have stubbornly remained. I know it is my fault that they have not melted off. I blame it on the ice cream, second helpings of every meal, and the sedentary lifestyle I have adopted. I could attribute these bad habits to having a 21 month old or working full time, but I truly know that I am solely at fault. There is plenty of time for a walk outdoors and cooking healthy foods instead of fast food.

Starting this minute, I am going to try and embrace a new me. A me who eats fresh fruits and vegetables and exercises. I don’t want to do it just for me and for various vanity reasons. I want to do it for Mae. I want her to have a mother she is proud of: one that shows her a shining example of how a healthy person should be.

Now the problem lies is the fact that every time I decide to get healthy, I never stick with it. It is a running joke with my sister and I that each Monday I start off great and by Wednesday I fall off the wagon. Now she is an example to all dieters. She has been following the Lindora food plan and she has lost a bunch of weight. She looks and feels great.

How am I going to get motivated? The reason for today’s blog is to hold myself accountable. I know there is possibly no readers out there, yet, but if by chance there is or will be, maybe this knowledge will keep me going on my task to lose 20 pounds.

One of my favorite quotes from a movie is, “every minute is a new chance to turn it all around.” Does anyone know what movie it is from? Anyway, I am going to try and run this advice through my head each time a sweet craving or fast food craving consumes me.

I will be reporting on my progress as much as I can. I promise to let you know the minute I give up…..because it is inevitable. Wait, wait wait! I can't be negative. I will SUCCEED!!

August 20, 2007-----133 pounds

Goal weight: 110