Why is it that whenever Mom needs to change a diaper, there is much screaming, squirming, running away, and flailing arms?
But when Daddy does it, Mae lays there as quiet as can be. Then when the deed is done, he gets a great big hug and a smooch.
I get no love!
So my plan to start a healthy life has not been going well. Since Wednesday, the day I wrote about turning it all around, I have done nothing but eat.
But I am about to make a huge excuse for my BAD behavior. I tend to turn to food and vegetation when I am sad or going through a tough time in my life. It is a family trait. We eat to help mask our problems. For some awful reason, food truly makes me feel better….in the moment. Afterward I am a guilty, blubbering mess. But in the moment, man food is so GOOD!
So here is the reason I have turned to food once again. My grandma is sick. We found out about two months ago that she has lung cancer. At first we thought everything was going to be fine. She was going to take this magic pill that would help the cancer and she would get better. But it hasn’t worked out that way.
Although she is 91 she has always been as sharp as a tack. Her whole life she has exercised and been in great shape and she could definitely hold her end of a conversation. She has even been driving a car…at 91! But in the past couple of weeks her mind has been all jumbled and confused.
My parents brought her home to stay with them since we all believed she was incapable of taking care of herself anymore. Well, that just made her more confused and quite frankly, pissed off. I think she thought she was in a hostage situation. The moment she was near a phone she tried to call her house. Well, she couldn’t remember the number so my sister dialed it for her. We knew no one was home to answer the phone but we were curious to see who she was trying to get a hold of. As soon as her answering machine picked up she proceeded to say into the receiver, “Come get me. I want to go home.” When we asked her who she was talking to, she had no clue. All she knew was that she wanted to go home.
This is such a difficult thing for me to witness. I have been incredibly close to my grandma all my life. I could tell you a million stories to convince you of how wonderful she is, but my words would not do her justice. I love her with all my heart and it is a terribly time for the whole family.
So my diet may have to be put on hold for a little while and many trips to the bakery may occur. My 20 lb goal may turn to 30 in the next couple of weeks.
Over the weekend I thought for sure Mae had reached her terrible two’s three months early. She threw about 100 tantrums on Saturday. The worst part of it all was that we were at a party for my work in Fallbrook. All my coworkers and their significant others were there.
Now Mae is a pretty independent child who loves a crowd and entertainment. Well, at the party she wanted to do what she wanted, go where she wanted, and eat what she wanted. If Gar (my husband) or I messed with her program, she felt the need to scream like a banshee and throw herself on the ground. You can imagine my embarrassment when everyone was looking at my child throwing a tantrum every two seconds.
And we were literally trapped at this party. We were the first ones there and EVERYONE parked behind us. So if we wanted to leave we would have to round up about 10 car owners and have them move down the drive. So we did not get to leave until after dinner, which was not until
Back to the point of my story. I thought we hit the terrible two’s. But the past two nights Mae has been an angel, back to her old self. Giggly, cuddly, and FUN! Thank goodness. Maybe she was just having an off day. We are all entitled to that.
Plus Fallbrook was about a hundred degrees with NO shade, there were bees flying around everywhere, and Mom and Dad were messing with her program (mostly so she didn’t fall down the very steep cliff in the backyard…definitely not a kid friendly house!)
It has been almost 21 months since I had Mae. And the last 20 pregnancy pounds have stubbornly remained. I know it is my fault that they have not melted off. I blame it on the ice cream, second helpings of every meal, and the sedentary lifestyle I have adopted. I could attribute these bad habits to having a 21 month old or working full time, but I truly know that I am solely at fault. There is plenty of time for a walk outdoors and cooking healthy foods instead of fast food.
Starting this minute, I am going to try and embrace a new me. A me who eats fresh fruits and vegetables and exercises. I don’t want to do it just for me and for various vanity reasons. I want to do it for Mae. I want her to have a mother she is proud of: one that shows her a shining example of how a healthy person should be.
Now the problem lies is the fact that every time I decide to get healthy, I never stick with it. It is a running joke with my sister and I that each Monday I start off great and by Wednesday I fall off the wagon. Now she is an example to all dieters. She has been following the Lindora food plan and she has lost a bunch of weight. She looks and feels great.
How am I going to get motivated? The reason for today’s blog is to hold myself accountable. I know there is possibly no readers out there, yet, but if by chance there is or will be, maybe this knowledge will keep me going on my task to lose 20 pounds.
One of my favorite quotes from a movie is, “every minute is a new chance to turn it all around.” Does anyone know what movie it is from? Anyway, I am going to try and run this advice through my head each time a sweet craving or fast food craving consumes me.
I will be reporting on my progress as much as I can. I promise to let you know the minute I give up…..because it is inevitable. Wait, wait wait! I can't be negative. I will SUCCEED!!
Goal weight: 110
Today my parents and I took Mae to the swap meet. I have been wanting to redecorate Mae’s room in Hawaiian surf theme and I heard they had some vendors who sold bedding and wall décor for a great price. Perfect, I thought. We could walk around leisurely; find the things I needed, maybe have a sinful Churro, and head home happy as a clam.
But Mae, AKA Cranky Pants, had a completely different idea of how the day should go. She did NOT want to sit in her stroller, she did not want to shop, and she did not even want an ice cream cone. She decided she would cry up and down all the aisles while all the other parents with their perfectly behaved children walked by and scoffed at the mother with the out-of-control kid. How embarrassing!
My poor parents tried everything to make her happy. They bought her an ice cream cone. My mom tried to hold her, but she wanted her freedom to run as she pleased. Finally, my dad bought her a kid sized baby stroller so she could walk next to us. That seemed to do the trick. Although, I think the other shoppers were quite annoyed when she recklessly ran into their ankles. Hey, but she was happy…..and quiet. For a while….until we made her get back in her own stroller.
The day ended in much disappointment. The only thing we ended up buying were a couple of hair bows, a baby stroller, and three ice cream cones. I did find some cute Hawaiian decorations but they weren’t cheap. Nothing was cheap. Even cheesy sundresses were like $34. I thought you could buy like a Jacuzzi for a dollar at the swap meet. What a bust. Next time, Mae stays home with Daddy, and I go for a Margarita…NO MORE SWAP MEETS!
Karma. So I am NOT completely sure I believe in it, but I am fully scared of NOT following the rules of it. I fear that if I am mean to someone, then at some point I will be on the receiving end of meanness, etc. At times my actions are based on karma.
An incident came up tonight, which others before me have mentioned(Kristen). I was shopping at Target with Mae in her stroller (because the carts are just way too disgusting). I packed the stroller basket to the top and ran out of room. So I put a couple of items under the sun shade. When I got up to the counter I emptied the entire stroller basket, paid for the load, and walked out to my car. As I reached the car door, I realized I forgot to remove the items from under the shade.
At first, I shrugged it off and began transferring the purchased items into the backseat. I was going to load Mae into the car and drive home a thief. I mean, really the items that were stolen were merely two plug-in air fresheners that were on the sale rack. Together they were probably a total of $4. Would Target really go out of business? No, of course not. But then, that word karma flashed through my thoughts. What if I stole two measly air fresheners, yet when karma came back to bite me in the butt it was 100 times worse.
So what did I do? Did I get in my car and drive home with a guilty conscience? No! I am such a chicken shit. I walked back into the store, pretended I forgot a few items, and paid for the air fresheners.
Damn karma!
Today was my husband’s BBQ birthday party. It was (emphasis on WAS) the perfect day. We were surrounded by friends, good food, and great music. But it will forever be tainted for me. It will always be the day that Mae fell in the pool.
She was sitting on the step of the jacuzzi and I was sitting there watching her while chatting with a friend. I turned my head for just a moment and when I turned back, there she was on her stomach, flailing. I pulled her out as quickly as possible. Of course she cried and I was strong and told her it was scary but she was just fine. And she was. In just a minute she was her old, happy, independent self running around again having fun.
But I am a mess. How could I have turned my head even for just a second? What if I looked away for longer than that? What would have happened? This incident made me even more aware (and absolutely freaked out) of how precious life is. I have been crying ever since. I feel like the worst mom. Any words of advice or similar experiences?
I’VE BEEN TAGGED!! I have only been blogging for a week, and I have been tagged. Thank you so much Amanda for making me feel welcome in this new computer world I have entered. So here I go, excitedly answering the 8 random things and or habits about me meme.
Since I have only been blogging a week, I am not sure I have earned the right to tag anyone. But if there are any new bloggers out there, I would love to learn 8 random things and or habits about you.
So of course, I wanted to share my love of the beach and the ocean with my daughter. I dreamt of building sandcastles, screaming gleefully together as the icy waves crashed against our legs, and digging for sand crabs as the waves retreated back to the sea. I looked forward to her smiling face and glowing eyes I would capture on film and be able to enjoy forever.
But this is all I got………
On Sunday, my family headed to the beach for a family fun day. Mae was less than thrilled!! As soon as her chubby little toes touched the sand, a piercing scream escaped her lips. She cannot stand the sand touching and clinging to her feet and hands. She spent the whole day on a blanket with a grimace on her face.
On the way home, I wondered to myself how I could possible be raising such a prissy, beach HATER. Then I got to thinking. Lugging all the beach necessities to our spot on the sand and back with a screaming child was SO not fun! While driving, I tried my hardest not to move my toes because they felt dirty, dry, and sandy. Then I tried to run my fingers through my hair and realized it was tangled and salty, EWWW!! In this moment it hit me. I really DO NOT like the beach! I am raising a daughter who dislikes the beach because I HATE the beach….and I hate to feel dirty and sandy! What has happened to the frolicking kid inside me? It has been lost, and I fear it is lost forever. I am sorry Mae for being this seaside loathing role model.
Tonight, all of the 19 month you, sat lazily on my lap while finishing the first viewing of Cinderella. Together we watched; you for the first time and me, a refresher of a movie that was a favorite from my childhood. You enjoyed every last minute and seemed quiet disappointed when the credits slowly rolled up the screen. I turned the television off. Now the only noise in the house was that of Daddy in the kitchen cleaning shrimp and the dogs wrestling beside us. I gently placed your head on my shoulder. It remained there for a couple of minutes, but then quickly popped us. You were trying to resist the sleepiness overcoming you. I began to hum a song from Cinderella to lull you to sleep, but you decided to hum right along with me. A grin emerged on my face. I again laid your head on my shoulder. The rocking chair rhythmically squeaked beneath us. The only thought in my mind was that there was no place I would rather be, no place could compare to this! You still resisted sleep. You took your small, fragile finger and humorously placed it on my nose, while clearly saying, ‘nose.’ Your tiny pointer than found its way to my cheek, and I said, ‘cheek.’ Every few seconds a new facial feature was touched and I identified each one. Finally, you found your way to my eyebrow. What fun that word was to your ears. Each time you touched an eyebrow and I would say, “eyebrow,” a deep belly laugh escaped from your lips. Over and over again, this game would repeat and each time you would giggle a sweet, innocent giggle. Finally, the sleepiness was too strong to fight. Your head began getting heavier and heavier on my shoulder. Your breathing got deeper. You were finally asleep. I knew I could place you gently into your crib without waking you, but I was enjoying this cuddle so much I continued rocking. I know this time with you, this time when you enjoy snuggling with mom, will not last forever. With each passing a day, you become more and more independent. I must savor these sweet moments!
