No Mama, No!

So yesterday started off as horrible as I thought it would. I couldn’t sleep all night, dreading my return to work and my leaving Mae. I got her up a little early so we could have some cuddle time if in front of Noggin before work. As soon as we pulled in to her preschool, she started crying and saying, “no mama, no!” This is the first time she has ever cried when going to school. Usually she is excited to get there and sit like a grownup at the breakfast table with all the other toddlers. So today was AWEFUL! I cried all the way to work.

I worried about her all day, but when I went to pick her up the teachers said she did wonderfully and didn’t cry at all. Usually, though, she puts up a fight when it is time to go home. I have to follow her around the playground while she shows off all the cool things she gets to do there. But this time she hugged all her friends, said goodbye, and was out the door in two minutes.

I struggle every day with the guilt I have about going to work and not being home with Mae. My mom was able to stay home with me and I always imagined that I would be able to do the same. But financially, we would struggle tremendously. The first six months of Mae’s life I was able to stay home. It was definitely bitter sweet. I adored being with her, but I was guilt ridden over my husband’s job being the only income. I guess no matter what, the situation will never be perfect.

Don't Make Me Go!

The past few days I have been filled with absolute anxiety. As soon as I woke up on Thursday, butterflies fluttered in my stomach, reminding me I have to return to work on Monday. Why was Thursday filled with such apprehension? I still had four days until I returned to teaching my continuation school students. But Thursday is only one day from Friday, and weekends don’t count! I am not sure why, but Friday seemed like the true last day of my vacation. Maybe it was because G would be home and I would no longer be able to pretend I was a SAHM. Gosh, how I truly wish I was. I envoy those of you that get to stay home.

I didn’t always feel this way. About three months ago I was as happy as a clam. I loved my job. I worked for a County school teaching Independent Study students. I met with students one-on-one and twice a week held an Algebra workshop with 25 students. It was my DREAM job. I loved going to work. Mae was attending an in-home daycare I actually loved! Everyday I worked from 7:15am to 2:00pm. I would be able to spend the whole rest of the afternoon with Mae. It was the perfect situation. But in Southern California, school’s enrollment is down and I lost my job. Luckily, I applied and was hired in another district teaching Algebra at a continuation high school.

It truly is the perfect job….in most ways. I just hope I get used to the changes and challenges of this new situation soon.

Tomorrow is going to be a tough day. I am sure there will be tears shed when I drop Mae off at school. And I am most certainly sure they will solely be mine. AHHHH!!!! Anyone our there have some magical solution for me so that I can stay home? Let me know!