Another Pregnancy Lost

Here I am, once again. Another pregnancy lost. In just four short months.

The first one occurred in May. I knew something was wrong because I started spotting at 5 weeks. Plus I had very few symptoms of pregnancy. They did an ultrasound and found a sac but said it may be too early to see a heartbeat. But when I went in three weeks later, there was still no heartbeat. No baby.

I was shocked. My first pregnancy was perfect. It was just like all the books described. I just thought that growing babies was easy and I had no doubt that it would happen again. So I was in complete shock with the first miscarriage.

I decided to take the pills to help me abort rather than the D and C. I thought it would fit better into my work schedule. BIG MISTAKE. It was painful and messy. It was most definitely not just a bad period. I Plus, it was a harsh reminder that I was losing a baby. I tried to stay strong in front of others but I was really a mess inside. I would hold friend’s babies and cry, thinking I would never have another child of my own. Of course everyone reassured me that I would hold my baby soon. And I believed them. I really did. I thought it was just a fluke. Lots of women have miscarriages and then go on to have a healthy child.

So I thought the next time I get pregnant, everything will be fine.

So I found myself pregnant again, just two months after my last loss. I know it is fast and I probably should have waited, but I didn’t. I am very impatient and wanted the baby to come at the perfect time. Two months before the end of the school year so I could stay home with the new baby for five whole months. It was going to be perfect! I could not have been happier and could not believe my luck.

Everything seemed to be going well. At four weeks the doctors did a blood test to check my hormone levels. Normal. At six weeks they did an ultrasound and there was a beautiful, strong heartbeat. I felt that we were safe. There was a heartbeat. Everything was going to be fine.

At eight weeks, I had another ultrasound. Heartbeat was still strong and size was perfect, but there was something on the screen that concerned my doctor. There were two black spots on the baby’s head. She said that it could be nothing. The baby is so small that it was hard to diagnose anything. She suggested some genetic testing. I went home that night and was freaked out. Thoughts went through my head of some terrible genetic disorder. I stressed, I cried, but we had house guests so I tried to put it out of my head, at least for the weekend.

That weekend I spotted twice. I was nervous but I had seen the heartbeat, so I was not really concerned about another miscarriage. But after the holiday weekend was over, I started to freak out again so I called the doctor on Tuesday and voiced my concerns. She scheduled me to come in the next day to see a different doctor.

The morning of my appointment, I started to realize that all my pregnancy symptoms had vanished. I didn’t even notice with all the people around me and the good times we were having. But I no longer felt fatigued, no more morning sickness, my breasts were not sore, and the bloating feeling had vanished.

At the appointment I told the doctor all of this. She decided to do a pelvic exam first to see if my cervix had opened. It was fine. Then she did an internal ultrasound. At first the screen was pointed towards me. I knew something was wrong. I did not see any cardiac movement as I had seen before. But the doctor turned the screen towards here, assuring me that she just needed to get a better look. She searched and searched at every angle. But there was nothing. The baby had died. There was no heartbeat. She called another doctor in to confirm, and…..no heartbeat. Another baby lost.

I was so strong I held back my tears in the ultrasound room. I got dressed and went into the consultation room to discuss the next step. D and C. I stayed strong. Teary-eyed, but no tears flowing. I was so proud of myself. I was dying inside, but I remained calm. That was until I saw MY doctor in the office. She must have came on her day off. She came up to me and I just lost it. She hugged me and told me how sorry she was. She even kissed me on the cheek. She is such an amazing doctor and I thank God that I found her.

The D and C went fine. I was even OK on that day. No crying. I was strong. It wasn’t until the next day when the depression, anger, frustration, and disappointment set in. I feel alone. I feel as though I will never have another baby. I know the next few months are going to be tough. I need time to heal. I have been through it before. But I dread it. It wasn’t easy. And this time around I feel as though people don’t know what to say so they just avoid. I know there is nothing to say that will make me feel better or different, but I feel alone. And no one is calling.