Last night was a rough night. Not only did Mae wake up multiple times, I woke up at 3:30am. I woke up abruptly, as if I knew there was something I needed to remember. When I realized what it was, I instantly filled with sadness all over again. My mind keeps replaying snapshots of the past few days: the picture of the ultrasound minus a heartbeat, weeping in my doctors arms, calling my husband to tell him the news, waking from the procedure with an empty belly.....It is like a movie when someone's life flashes before their eyes. But I can't turn this movie off. It is my life.
Luckily I am back to work and I am distracted from my thoughts throughout the day. My students and my work keep me occupied. It's the evenings and the middle of the night when it is most difficult to cope.
I feel like I am barely there for Mae. I am just going through the motions of parenting right now. The weekend was spent with me mostly on the couch. Nothing fun planned for her. I felt like a terrible mom. I have to move on, if not for me, but for her. She deserves my full attention.
My losses are so fresh I know I should not be healed this quickly. My hormones are still raging which doesn't help with weepiness and depression. I know with time it will get easier. I hope! Does it get better? With the last miscarriage, I knew that I would be trying again soon so I had hope on my side. This time, I am scared to start trying right away. Plus, emotionally I feel like I need to give myself time to heal. The fear of another loss is too much to handle right now.
skip to main |
skip to sidebar
About Me
- Trish
- People always ask me, "Hey, do you remember that time when...?" And nine times out of ten I can honestly say, "NO!" I have the worst memory. Always have. So I have created this blog so I never have to say "NO" when Mae asks me, " Mommy, remember when....?"
7 comments:
You know, that is one thing I pray when I know someone has gone through a tragedy- that their mind will be given peace and not reminded with those images. It's hard, I know. It keeps replaying over and over. But I will specifically pray for this area for you, that you can find reprieve of any of those thoughts in your mind.
Thinking of you,
Steph
You need to give yourself some time to deal and try not to be so hard on yourself. Still thinking of you!
Melissa
I know you feel like you are barely there for Mae. But, you will be ok and so will she, because you are aware of this and I am sure you will fight your way out of this hole, if for no other reason than your daughter. But, don't be to hard on yourself if it takes awhile. She will be fine.
I have to be honest. Reading this post was so painful for me because it's like I'm reading my own thoughts directly after losing James and Jake.
I hope that tells you that you are normal. Trish....I PROMISE, you are still an amazing mother to Mae, you are grieving BECAUSE you are an amazing mother. And I know sometimes you won't be "all there" for her, but that's OKAY because you need to be good to you, too, not just Mae.
You need this time. I can remember telling my therapist "it's been five weeks! Why am I still so sad?" And she said "Beth, IT'S ONLY BEEN FIVE WEEKS."
And she was right. If I could go back in time and not be so hard on myself for feeling such utter sadness, which is exactly what I should have been feeling, I would, in a heart beat.
Please be easy on yourself. Nothing will ease your sadness. Nothing, except time.
Please be patient. It will come, but not for a very long time.
I keep checking in on you to see how you are doing. Give yourself time to grieve, Mae will understand. Hugs, Lisa
By allowing yourself time to grieve, you're being a wonderful mother. We can only be great mothers if we are taking care of ourselves first.
You're doing the right thing. Grieve. Mae loves you and wants you to heal. I don't know your daughter but I do believe children generally are more in tune than we realize.
And I agree with Beth...you are grieving because you are an amazing mother!
Trish, it is hard now and truthfully, it will always hurt a little. But the pain will ease and before you know it, you will be consumed in your daughter's activities and life again. As others have said, give your soul and heart some time to absorb this crushing loss.
Post a Comment